I read Jeannette Wall's The Glass Castle when I was pregnant with Munch. Not since Sybil (which I guess was actually made up?) had I read a story of such unfit parents. I thought to myself well hell's bells I can do better than this and lost no further sleep fretting over my potential inadequacies as a mother.
(That last part is 100% not true)
A year after its controversial debut, I finally picked up (or rather downloaded the audiobook) a book on the opposite end of the motherhood spectrum, Amy Chua's The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. This book was a hot topic of both the media and blogosphere last year and I am very late to the table. But I just finished listening to it and find myself saddled with all manner of weighty thoughts, so I'll share too.
When I first heard about the book I wrote this snarky blogpost and anticipated, that while listening to the account of how she tortured and berated her daughters into achievement, to be awash in that warm, fuzzy feeling of moral superiority.
So I was surprised by how much I initially agreed with Dr. Chua. I also believe that children don't become competent or confident by being praised, they do so by proving to themselves they can achieve at a level they previously thought impossible. If your mom isn't able to tell you that you can do better, no one will. I think the idea of "natural talent" is utter nonsense. Talent is practice. And I loved that she taught her daughters to never mock a foreign accent because an accent was a badge of courage.
Even though her writing was bombastic at times, I definitely understood where she was coming from. I looked up the Suzuki method and thought about getting Munch started in piano lessons. She stayed home from school in the morning so we could go over numbers.
My feelings towards Dr. Chua changed the more I listened. I got annoyed when she described, quite proudly, how she would ruin family vacations when her daughter didn't practice their instruments with the same intensity and duration as when at home. The part about her tearing up homemade birthday cards and the description of her behavior on the day of her mother in law's funeral were pretty bad. The treatment of her younger, more rebellious daughter, actually made me nauseous. Ironically, the more Dr. Chua tried to explain the difference between how she was raising her children as compared to how she was raising the family dogs, the more obvious the similarities became. Or even worse than dogs, she was raising circus animals.
To her credit, Dr. Chua doesn't try to make herself look good. She includes every detail of her cruel behavior and specific insults she inflicted upon her daughters. The story concludes on a conciliatory note- the rupture of her relationship between herself and her daughter over the issue of the violin causes the author to rethink her parenting strategy (I refuse to call this "the Chinese method" as Dr. Chua does as that seems insulting to about a billion rationally minded people). But whether she would have second guessed herself has she not been forced to flee a cafe in Moscow when her daughter started throwing glasswear is not entirely clear.
So, she went too far. Just like my 5% parenting rule, although it's obvious to anyone who knows me that I was kidding. But it's fair to point out that at least she was honest about how important her children's achievement was to her, whereas I have a tendency to pretend I am more laid back than I actually am. I'd like to say I came full circle with Dr. Chua, that, having temporarily expanded my thinking on the subject of extreme mothering only to have it exposed at the thinking of a soulless control freak, I've retreated on my Tiger Mom efforts. No piano lessons. But that wouldn't be as honest as she was towards the end of her book.
Perhaps I should admit to having just purchased this and this for Munch's upcoming third birthday.
Ahhh. There it is..... warm and fuzzy moral superiority.
You have to be careful with your moral superiority feeling. Most of us can never do what Chua did, neither physically nor emorionally. Being physicians we cannot sustain that much tension as parents. But I, like her, also sometimes cannot sleep late at night thinking what else I can do for my kids, how else I can motivate, educate, asking myself is this activity, method, approach working? She is a deeply caring mother.
ReplyDeleteI can testify from my own family experience - my mother was hands off, detached parent who gave my brother freedom to do everything on his own, including home work. Result - unmotivated individual failed professionally and personally, who is unhappy, who tells me he wishes our mother forced him to do homework, so he achieved more in life. Me - raised by hands on grandmother, who (gasp!) yelled at me for not producing perfect results (only in first grade, by 2 grade I knew better!).Result - happy balanced mature person who knows exactly what to want in life and has it all. That is me. I am blessed I had adult in my life who gave me the most precious gift - drive to achieve the highest goals and by this she gave me happiness.
And yes, I carry the badge of courage, so I am not "scarred" by someone yelling at me at age 6.
I thought I would be criticized for not being harsh enough on Amy Chua, not that I wasn't sympathetic. Claiming moral superiority is inflammatory for sure, but I definitely do NOT think she did what she did out of love. That is perhaps what she told herself, but she was cruel and compulsive. I also will also push my kids, but never to that extent. Everyone in her life told her there was something wrong with her daughter, even the parents from which she learned this method, and she ignored it until her daughter had an absolute emotional meltdown. She is not someone to emulate.
DeleteAnd I am glad to hear the method worked for you in your family. The first few chapters of the book definitely made me think about how I could incorporate a different style of parenting into what I am already doing, and even though I found the middle and end of the book pretty upsetting, I still think it changed some of my views of parenting.
DeleteThank you for saying what you said. As an adult I understood that grandmother who raised me did not deserve to deal with the situation she was in. Working full time,top professional level (i.e. high stress, working overtime, weekends), having two elderly 80 to 90 yo parents at home and me, first grader who needed help with home work. I am grateful she took time and energy to straighten me out. Because she cared about my future. Wish you luck with your family.
DeleteI refuse to call this "the Chinese method" as Dr. Chua does as that seems insulting to about a billion rationally minded people
ReplyDelete--- Do you realize that that a billion people do exactly what Chua does?!
Chua said in interview her book did not have good sales in China at all, cause who wants to buy a book about soimething that is mainstream?
I am from the country harshly critisized by this culture. But I do not feel insulted by unfair biased opinions. Because, frankly I did not see that this culture produced better society or did better for its people.
Have you read the book? Her parents were the Chinese parents from which she learned this method and they themselves told her to stop, that her daughter was suffering. I am criticizing Amy Chua, not China.
DeleteI have to ask, do you live in the US?
Deleteyes, read the book, re-read parts of it last night (book cover clearly says it is about author's crisis, not triumph). Yes, live here in the US. And would re-iterate, I doubt chinese people would care about your opinions. They know what they want for their kids - education and achievements. And they know they are not going to get there by western methods of leaving it up to the kid.
DeleteTheoretical question (a slew of my colleagus are dealing with this at home) - how do/would you help child in this education system who is completely lazy and unmotivated, and no load of western methods(rewards) helps? Same slew of my colleagues do not understand how come they having grown in third world countries had repsonsibility to do their homework, and fortunate kid of theirs born to this country does not?
Ok. So let's recap. I wrote that I read a book that influenced some of my views on parenting, although I very strongly disagreed with how the author went about implementing some of our shared views. I am not trying to influence the Chinese, or whatever it is I am now being accused of doing.
DeleteAnd I doubt you would so derisively refer to western methods as those analogous to "leaving it up to the kid", "rewards", and in production of "completely lazy and unmotivated" kids if you weren't posting anonymously in a stranger's blog. Proponents of both the Waldorf (developed in Austria and used widely here) and Montessori (developed in Italy, also implemented widely in the US) wouldn't characterize their methods as those based on "rewards", etc.
In regards to your last question, my answer is the obvious one. Discipline, parental involvement, change of peer group, blah blah blah. No it isn't easy. The system fails kids everyday. Standards should be higher. We all know that, but it isn't an excuse to bully your kids.
In this contraversial debate you might enjoy this TV interview
ReplyDeleteEmily Luk:Tiger daughter weights in
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUO4I2oP7Vg
I like it because it gives your persepctive on what people on the other end - chilren - are thinking.
That is a smart, articulate, and seemingly very well adjusted young lady who says she was raised with the same core values as the Chua method, but with a different execution of those values. And hearteningly, she speaks with high praise of her parents. Thanks for sharing.
DeleteWell,Um. This approach works for some kids. Maybe even many. But. When you get kids who become clinically depressed and act out in clinically depressed ways (like running away or self-destructive acts - cutting, bulemia, etc.) it becomes something else again. I think that rather than comparing parenting styles as somehow better or worse, you need to ask yourself what will work best for the individual child and then stick to your guns when others tell you how to do it better.
ReplyDeleteVery true. And as I said in the post, I very much agreed with a lot of what she said in the first few chapters in regards to how children learn to excel. The story becomes upsetting when you see her persist despite evidence that the method is working with her youngest. Kids are different and sometimes we have to adjust.
DeleteThe truth will only he half told without reading Amy Chua's daughter's blog. Surpisingly like Emily Luk she is also "a smart, articulate, and seemingly very well adjusted young lady"
ReplyDeletehttp://tigersophia.blogspot.com/
Surpisingly she calls her mother the best in the world and "shame on you who think otherwise".
While I do not have a daughter who I could wish become like Amy Chua's daughter, I sure can hope my sons marry someone like this extraordinary girl.
Lighten up. Western mommies can not do such job. Let us not feel scornful. Or it looks like we are defensive and jelous.
Thank you CC for making a valid point. It is always a balancing act. Is it enough or too much? There is no formula that fits all.
I quite enjoyed your post , Red Humor. I am not sure where or why some of the responses are adversarial. As you mentioned at the end of the day, every parent does what they think is best for their child. That is not to say their are "perfect" parents in any culture but rather that for the most they try and "parent" in order to raise children that are successful and well adjusted. I find it hard to believe that (most) people go into parenting thinking "What ways can I really scar/stigmatize/stunt or otherwise the social, emotional and academic growth of my child."
ReplyDeleteFor the poster who I believe thinks that western child rearing is a system characterized only by "rewards", I would strongly disagree. Again this might be true for some but by no means a philosophy that is embraced by all westerners. You might be interested to read Punished By Rewards: http://www.alfiekohn.org/books/pbr.htm
As a teacher I appreciate the fact that you made sure that your critique was of Chua as opposed to lumping all Chinese/Asian parents together. I have seen "tiger moms" who are not Chinese and Chinese moms who are not tiger moms.
It would also be nice if instead of constantly trying to pick apart parents every move we celebrated and talked about things that parents do that perhaps should be emulated (again I think the original post did this). Supporting moms, dads, grandparents, and care givers in general might make the whole process easier and more successful.
It's true, each of us tries to parent to the best of our ability. Sometimes that ability is woefully inadequate (as in the Glass Castle), but more often it's just not perfect. Just like we aren't perfect people, we can't be perfect parents. Thanks for the commentary.
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