Wednesday, November 23, 2011

dear santa

Dear Santa,

I thought you might appreciate an early letter this season. Feel free to take this consideration into account when weighing my year's merits and demerits.

I haven't had a perfect year, conduct-wise. I've thrown compostables and recyclables into the garbage. On Halloween we ran out of candy early and, rather than going out for more, we turned off the lights and pretended we weren't home. I've been short with people who deserve my patience.

I'd say my year-to-date performance is a B-. Not quite as "above average" as the children of Lake Wobegon, but not so low as to warrant coal in ye ol' stocking.

In keeping with this mediocre showing, I am asking for what I think is an equally as mediocre Christmas gift.

For Christmas this year, Santa, it would be nice to look "ok" at my cousin's wedding in three weeks.  I am not asking to look like Heidi Klum during season 6 of Project Runway or SJP in season 5 of SATC. I'd be happy to just not look like Mother Goose from the Nutcracker - you know, the dancer, sometimes played by a man in drag, whose dress is so large that small children arise from under it?

But I am getting worried. I didn't have a lot of time to search for a dress and ended up buying one online. The top is nice enough, but the skirt portion of the dress billows out from under my boobs. It is obvious there is one child under it, I just worry that the guests will wonder if there are actually several- some having been coerced into lederhosen and ballet classes.

Also Santa, there is one more thing. The wedding is in Guatemala. While I hold in highest esteem the labor and delivery training of the American Airlines flight-staff, I would strongly prefer to have my child on solid ground. And even better if this solid ground happens to be in a country where I am proficient in the primary language.

Give my best to Mrs. Claus and the house-elves, err, I mean helper-elves.
Air kisses,
me

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